I’m going to hand in my notice. 6 years later. I have a cheeky smile on my face as I hold my head high and stride across the room. Just another day at the office; they won’t expect this bombshell. Phones are ringing left right and center, people on the phone, selling, negotiating, pushing, closing, pitching, using their client retention tactics learnt from last week’s training, setting conversations up for future opportunities, the click clack of fingers furiously tapping away on the keyboard - note taking in Salesforce is a sport. Managers are coming in and out of glass boxes with blank facial expressions in a hurried manner. It’s bright, and occasionally the loud laugh explodes from a corner of the office.

I make my way back from the kitchen to my ergonomic chair, coffee mug in one hand, notebook in the other after having had a demo with a client in one of the glass boxes. I’m going to open an opportunity, which, normally I’d be excited about, but today, I don’t care. I look around, a good number of colleagues are hunched over at their desks, shoulders tense, headphones on, focused on a specific point on the table as they listen to what the client has to say. Others are leaning back into their chair, like a cat on its back open for belly rubs. You know they’re onto something good.

I laugh at the scene internally. I’m beaming inside. You fools. Soon, I will be free of all this and I can’t help but feel a surge of pressure in my chest; my heart beating faster. 3 hours until the end of the day. 3 hours until I step into a new timeline - until I trade my business cards for paints.

I didn’t know then that this day would be the start of a long, blurry, entrepreneurial life path where the ‘duality poster’ is printed on A0 size poster paper, and shoved in front of my face every single day. I realised that my definition of ‘freedom’ at the time was oversimplified. Who knew that this would be the catalyst to my unravelling?

The universe has a funny way of teaching. You receive all that you have asked for, but on one condition: that you learn the lessons through rupture and rebirth. The most shiny jewel that has come from these cyclical mini-deaths, is the awareness of attaching to an identity; and how often we put a label to our identities. I am xyz. Who are you without the label(s)?

“I think therefore I am” - René Descartes' cogito, ergo sum. Dad used to say this a lot. I was about to write that ‘he is a rationalist’ - label. See how automatic it is?

Recently I came across this saying: “I am ‘breath’, nothing else” - Peruvian Shipibo tribe shaman. As I read this, I felt more regulated already; my body softened. If anything, this feels more like freedom!

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I’m sitting on the terrace of my beautiful airnbnb in San Pedro, Lake Atitlan and thoroughly enjoying it. Yesterday we graduated from our 200 YTT at Casa Kula - it was magical, full of gratitude and love. I feel heavy hearted, but also excited at what’s to come. This was an experience of living and learning in a community of like-minded souls and wow I’ve learnt so much from each and everyone of them! And as a result of being Seen, something in me has shifted. For the better, and though I am not quite sure what that is just yet, it feels good, more peaceful, more certain. Thank you beautiful community, thank you universe.

I am set to stay here in San Pedro for a week, and have nothing booked after. Last year, when this happened, I had manifested a perfect opportunity at Villa Sumaya which was an amazing experience. So this year, I will sit with the unknowing, slightly more uncomfortable this time round, but I am certain something will make itself known clearly.

Returning to solo mode after being around people all the time for the last 3 weeks felt very much like fomo. Solo fomo. But then I arrived at the airbnb and its aaaaaall goooood brooo. I immediately wondered if I could negotiate a deal if I were to stay a month here. Worth asking. It’s quiet, it’s less than a minute from the lake front - a lush, sparsely crowded what seems like agricultural plots around, garden space, terrace, an upstairs den/yoga/meditation space. This too was a fluke.

I saw it on Booking.com and it only had a handful of reviews or less but something drew me to it and I followed that thread rather than overthinking it. Now, it’s clear that the universe is edging me to take this yoga (and holistic wellness) path seriously, giving me what I need to make a solid start. No more procrastinating; it’s full speed ahead with spa days in between!

Finally got a direct contact for bead jewellery design / maker based locally, which is another gift telling me that I should, in parallel, explore this path as well. I do love this because first of all, I love beads. Second of all, it ties in well with the bead project I had started before I left travelling. It’s funny because, when I delve deep, I realise that I always knew that the purpose of this year’s travels would be to find and start building more steady ground re Myth Making Studio (website to be published soon). And since coming back from travels last year, I haven’t ‘pushed’ anything - it didn’t feel like it - it felt like floating and being lost sometimes so when you start noticing the gold threads appearing, the larger picture starts to become sharper.

Not pushing for me feels like (omg, hummingbird right in front of me!) doing out of curiosity, play, experimenting, tuning in and following those healthy pangs of desire without attaching to (seeking) a desired outcome.

My toes are so itchy - the coffee flies are lethal. The itchiness wakes me up at night, and it turns me into quote an awesome girl I met on my yoga training “a feral animal scratching away”. It’s horrid, intense, yet so satisfying to scratch. ‘Scratching an itch’, which is exactly what I’m describing above.

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If this writing resonates and you’re in a position to support it, a paid subscription goes towards helping me build and share my creative and healing practice and vision, Myth Making Studio (website to be published very soon!).

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What is clear is that I cannot see myself living in one place for the rest of my life; being tied down to one location, one job, one way of living, one house, one language spoken, one culture, one landscape…what else. I like variety, it feeds my soul, gives me creative inspiration, renews my ambitions and energy, stimulates me intellectually.

At the same time, I am tired of living out of a backpack, not having access to my things - my art supplies - my clothes - my large collection of shoes (even though I don’t wear most of them), I miss my cat and spending quiet evenings with him, I miss my Bodypump classes and seeing the progress of my efforts, I miss playing my Shamanic drum and singing under mood lighting in the silence of the countryside knowing that my family are fast asleep nearby…what else. I like the structure, the feeling of family, the routine (until I can’t stand it anymore!), the comfort of my own bed and space that I’ve decorated that I can return to.

The solution seems so easy; to stay in one place until I feel the need to explore again. Splitting my time at home with my family, and the other half travelling / exploring. Yet, right now, the idea of moving around doesn’t seem very appealing. But the idea of going home and staying there also doesn’t appeal. So I feel a little stuck; in limbo. I thought about maybe just getting an Airbnb for a longer stint, say a month (or two) somewhere as a way of satisfying both sides of me and my desires, but somehow that doesn’t feel appealing either! And also, how does my need for both freedom and stability work with settling down with a long term partner - and the potential of starting a family? Ffs.

My sales manager’s voice from all those years ago appears: “Park it. Revisit it later”. Of course she was referring to opportunities and conversations with clients but I am applying this to my own life, in general. For some reason her telling me this would always pop into my head whenever I found myself struggling to make decisions. For years (probably all my life, up until a couple of years ago!) I was never really able to ‘park it’ fully. When I thought I had, brain would be working away subtly in the background going over the same problems over and over, trying to find a solution, find an answer to stop the ‘discomfort’ of uncertainty; of the unknown, of not being in control. Before I knew it, a dark cloud would form and invade my entire being; I had spiralled so far down the rabbit hole by overthinking and putting pressure on myself to take action that it would send me into freeze mode, and needless to say, stop me from making any moves at all. I basically spent my entire adult working life unconsciously managing my nervous system. Pretty sad when you think about it, but I’ve come to terms with this, and I have nothing left to grieve on that front.

I know that I have changed and ‘evolved’ over the last few years but I hadn’t noticed to what extent. For example, I write ‘discomfort’ in brackets because the word is losing its meaning (or power over me). I no longer feel the need to push it away, soothe it, or solve it which is a very interesting place to be in, and surprising to say the least! I no longer NEED to know how the future will unfold even though the questions are still there. I now trust that the answers will come when the time is right. They will come in the form of a sudden feeling of certainty in my body; a ‘knowing’; a sudden need to take some sort of action because I am no longer at war with my nervous system - we are best friends now. I am no longer living and making decisions out of lack, out of fear. My nervous system no longer dominates me on the grand scheme of things. Life is now lived with intention that is aligned to my true desires.

I trust me, my soul, my heart, my body. I trust the timing of it all - the universe (or God’s plan for me if you will). I trust that my person is out there; the one who gets it; who gets me and doesn’t seek to change or control me - the one with whom life amplifies rather than shrinks.

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If this writing resonates and you’re in a position to support it, a paid subscription goes towards helping me build and share my creative and healing practice and vision, Myth Making Studio (website to be published very soon!).

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For Founding members, everything in the paid subscription, and occasional small group online video conversations to reflect on themes explored in the writing.

Today I was reflecting on the last 3 years of my life. I am travelling (‘living the dream’ as most would put it) for the next 7 months and all I can think of is how I want to take root, get my head down and focus on developing my business. This deep desire to be in my art studio and create, to make progress on the projects I started these last few years; to really start building with fervour and determination. I wonder if it has anything to do with us entering the year of the Horse.

Before I left for my travels and was back home doing exactly that, I couldn’t really grasp what the fuck I was doing - the why would come and go, and often I was daydreaming about travelling. But now I am away, the ‘why’ although I can’t put words to it, feels much more concrete. Indeed, when I was at home it felt like I was biding my time before heading off travelling, like I had lost perspective of my bigger goals. And now that I am travelling I’m like what the fuck am I doing procrastinating?! Funny how contrast is what, in my case, creates clarity. Unless…there is some sort of psychological term for this…what feels like a ‘condition’. The human condition?

It feels like I entered a new timeline; one where I find myself smack bang in the middle of duality itself: rich in meaning and fulfilment while also totally confusing, uncertain and at times, empty. Very strange. Holding all of these inside my being, and noticing it is probably what makes life itself meaningful; navigating it all while remaining the anchor in my own story and unfolding. Being my own parent; being my own home; being my own mentor; being my own lover; being my own best friend; being my own enemy.

Anyway, as I almost started to have a go at myself again for not working hard enough in life and all sorts, I suddenly had the urge to go through all my photos from the last 3 years and it actually made me feel better (thank you universe!). It made me realise just how much I have explored, created, grown, changed, and transformed in my life and inside despite not having anything concrete (yet) to show for it - like a culmination of it all. Well, the only thing I can say for sure is that the quality of the relationships that have endured (including and most importantly, the one with myself!) has increased dramatically. They have become more honest, more intimate and vulnerable, more connected, more fulfilling.

Here are the notes I took while I was going through my photos and thinking about what I wanted to write about next:

• 4 years ago: endings spurred on by depression / burnout - long term relationship, then the job that marked the start of a new career path

• 2023 - 2024: New beginnings. Start of entrepreneurial life; productivity; lots of creation, testing, exploring, discovering, learning new skills; my first art exhibition. Working out - be at my peak; how dare I be struck down by grief! I am strong

• End of 2023 - 2024: burnout

• 2024: continued burnout. Half done projects, new projects, some finished, some needing to enter the next phase. Start of new self care routine and focus on rediscovering my truth, leading to broadening of interests, connections, knowledge, skills outside of the immediate and my comfort zone

• A calling to do psylocibin in the format of ceremony/retreat -> more disruption, the start of acute feelings of emptiness, and questioning life purpose at a deeper level. Depression.

• Massive culling of all my belongings, and friendships. Taking risks; going against fear. Took on a flatmate after 3 years of living alone, then decided to answer the call for solo travelling; that little voice in my head that has been telling me to do it for years.

• 2025: Travel, and finding even more clarity on life path and the kind of life I want, who I want to be. More joy. Finishing off projects and starting new ones; learning new skills - but not yet taking finished ones to the next level. Realisation that 2023/2024 determination was a mixture of transmuting grief but also escape it...who knows what the difference is. Making more practical changes: moved back home with my parents. A step back to propel forwards.

• 2026 - travel + learning new skills. And here we are.

Originally this gross summary was a way of jotting down topics that I wanted to elaborated on but I now realise that its purpose was to give me perspective. Massive perspective…so big that I am asking myself whether my life has been planned out for me already. It seems like there is a greater force at work here, which has guided me toward awakening, toward enlightenment. The callings, the depression; the waves of light and dark…like the eternal conflict between God and Satan; cyclical in nature, and eternal.

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The first, people on social media channels, including Substack, telling others. TELLING. It’s not sharing, it’s not inviting, it’s not asking, it’s not advising - it’s telling. Shouting. Yes it can be informative and perhaps even full of wisdom but you’re still yelling and making statements about how I should and shouldn’t live, what you think is best for me, what I should or should not do, telling me what the current state of affairs is…why, I am even being told why I am/think/behave a certain way because you seem to know better.

All sorts of voices and people shouting at me again on my feed - perhaps I need to rethink who I follow. I like the depth and breadth of the content I find on this platform but honestly, it’s starting to grate on me to see ex-alcoholic or whatever addiction or sad state of affairs one’s experienced turned CEO telling me ‘how to’ anything. Do we see Gaza war survivors on these platforms telling us ‘how to’ this and that? No. If I ever start doing that, please, tell me off; pull me up on it.

What I propose is sharing reflectively. Write to yourself; for yourself. Not AT others.

Fuck; I’ve just done it haven’t I. Told you what to do by disguising it as a proposal. Woopsie!

I’ve also genuinely forgotten what the second thing was.

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If this writing resonates and you’re in a position to support it, a paid subscription goes towards helping me build and share my creative and healing practice and vision, Myth Making Studio (website to be published very soon!).

Most of my content is free but there are some bits, more vulnerable and intimate than others, that can only be accessed through a paid subscription.

Paid subscribers will first and foremost receive the knowing that I am forever grateful and humbled by your support.

You will also receive full access to every section, as well as full archive access.

For Founding members, everything in the paid subscription, and occasional small group online video conversations to reflect on themes explored in the writing.

Perhaps it’s something to do with travelling - slow travelling in particular. Not the kind where you make sure your days are full of sightseeing that you cram in because “OH EM GEE, I need to make sure I see everything, who knows when I will come back, and oh subconsciously I need to have all these places ticked off so I can tell all my friends and family about them if they ask!”. No. Fuck that shit. That’s not my focus. Hell, I don’t have a focus! The only criteria I have is not having any. And so far, it’s been most enriching.

Yesterday I went to El Dragon Café in Poblado for the after party that Hermanos Gutierrez were hosting post-gig, but the guy in front of me bought the last ticket. Fucker. I was so upset. I had summoned the courage to go to this thing by myself and had hyped myself up to make sure I go up to the two brothers and speak to them. And somehow, today, my body felt the after effects of the high and the low all at once. Wait. This is not what I had intentionally set out to write but ok, hand/brain wants to go there so lets go. I did not end up doing any sight seeing today - though I did go back to the mobile shop to look for my Mexican sim card I’d left, and had really yum home made style food at a place only locals go to. The guy from the mobile shop had kept my sim card safe, and the lady who was working there today called him to find out where he had kept it. That alone was worth the trip. Experiencing kind and helpful people in a foreign country. Then, the local restaurant where I had the home made food - next to me were two much older ladies having late lunch; they asked one of the waitresses to take a photo of them, and as she did, another waitress photo bombed it by jumping in front of the phone and so one of the ladies said in her Colombian accent: “Ah que noooooohhhhhh”. It made me laugh and warmed my heart. These people did not know each other, yet they acted in such a way that barriers weren’t there. This is what I have noticed so far in Mexico and Colombia; there is more interconnectedness between people. More oneness. At least, that’s what I have experienced so far, and those simple moments are ones that make me want to get to know this country and its people more.

Wow so originally, I was going to write about how my slowing down and meeting locals has given me so many aha moments when it comes to how I have been shaping my reality - particularly in relation to men and dating. But I’ll save that for another post, another day…think you’ll have to subscribe to this one as it will feel much more intimate.

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If this writing resonates and you’re in a position to support it, a paid subscription goes towards helping me build and share my creative and healing practice and vision, Myth Making Studio (website to be published very soon!).

Most of my content is free but there are some bits, more vulnerable and intimate than others, that can only be accessed through a paid subscription.

Paid subscribers will first and foremost receive the knowing that I am forever grateful and humbled by your support.

You will also receive full access to every section, as well as full archive access.

For Founding members, everything in the paid subscription, and occasional small group online video conversations to reflect on themes explored in the writing.

This time I feel less present, less focused on taking in my surroundings; less curious. Brain keeps grasping at ‘shoulds’ - I should really be making more effort to do more site seeing; I should be making the most of this city; I should make more of an effort to meet locals…I should I should I should.

No wonder I feel the magic less than last time. The pressure; but what intrigued me was how it made me question how long before I’d get bored of this place and start feeling that internal discomfort I so hate. The sheer thought of it started generating a little anxiety in me because if I did ever start feeling those feelings again, it would mean that I still have a lot of work to do on myself. It would confirm the reality of things; that nothing outside of myself will ever soothe the void I have felt inside for years. Luckily it’s been a while since that feeling has taken over me. Can one be traumatised by their own feelings?? Am I overthinking my overthinking? Preeeetty sure I am but I like the mental gymnastics from time to time.

I took it as a sign that I needed to bring myself back to the present moment, so I intentionally started looking at shop window displays more, and looking up at the trees, focusing on details like the graphics on posters etc. It was difficult to get into it! All my mind wanted to do was focus on what’s next with the website I’m building - how I’m going to word this, what photos I should include…what’s going to happen when I finally finish the website?

Yep, brain went there again in the space of a few minutes: I’m going to have to find lots of things to do to fill my days! The emptiness and freedom…the boredom…and that’s when I felt it; a craving for a smoke (yes the cravings are still there!); for something to numb that feeling and those thoughts out. Constant. The loop of anxious thoughts, not nice feelings in the body, then the desire to not feel those feelings.

“Breathe. Deep inhales, deep exhales. Keep it simple I tell myself - no need to think that far ahead; one thing at a time. You don’t have to be doing anything, and you don’t have to not do anything. You’re ok, everything’s going to be ok.”

And the cycle passes, and I soften again until the next round whenever that may be.

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If this writing resonates and you’re in a position to support it, a paid subscription goes towards helping me build and share my creative and healing practice and vision, Myth Making Studio (website to be published very soon!).

Most of my content is free but there are some bits, more vulnerable and intimate than others, that can only be accessed through a paid subscription.

Paid subscribers will first and foremost receive the knowing that I am forever grateful and humbled by your support.

You will also receive full access to every section, as well as full archive access.

For Founding members, everything in the paid subscription, and occasional small group online video conversations to reflect on themes explored in the writing.

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Actually, I lost steam after reading the entries I had saved on this laptop from when I was with M. It made me feel sad. Yet, I almost miss those times and feeling like I did back then. The familiar. The addiction. This new life alone is so very different yet not; so uncertain yet never made so much sense; I feel so relaxed and fulfilled, yet at times lonely and stressed. It’s like, back then I was defined by smoking, M, and our rollercoaster relationship. Now, I’m not so sure what I am defined by. I keep trying to find external things to define myself by…perhaps this is what it’s like when you are on the cusp of finding your true self. The definition of you based on what’s within, your actions, your values. I mean…values, actions, what’s within…they were all there before…just different or dampened; clouded by anxiety and numbness. Yet what I had written back then on what I wanted out of a relationship, a partner, a life, seemed so much clearer than what I envision for myself now. It’s like, now, I want certain things yet I also don’t really care and am open to seeing what surprises the universe will throw at me…go with the flow for real…is it floating without direction? Or is this what letting go, surrendering, trusting in me and the universe really means and feels like?

27.08.23 - Update

Having re-read above, oh how things have evolved since, and it’s only been 6 months! Wow, actually time flies!! I feel so much different inside now than I did back then, in a very positive way. I notice more about myself as I am shifting my life around and trying new things, being more present and compassionate with myself. The more I date, the clearer it becomes what I find super important, less so, and not. I need to think about it a little more and perhaps at some point create three columns instead of a massive text because so far I don’t think I can compromise on much when it comes to the type of man and relationship I want.

Today I was wondering whether the confidence and level of self worth and groundedness I feel inside is 100% real and based on how I have been working on myself and living by my values, showing up for myself, or if it’s based on my physical appearance. If the latter was taken away from me…would I still feel the same? I can honestly say that no I wouldn’t. I think that’s normal. But it also clarified the fact that I still have work to do in terms of identifying what I love about myself, what I can bring to the table, and where I need to meet myself with even more compassion and empathy. I’m liking how I am thinking about this at least, and how I am speaking to myself at the moment. It’s positive and balanced. It feels more secure and grown up…I feel more secure and grown up 🙂

My nose is dry as fuck. I’m going to spray some of dat seasalt stuff hahaha. Hang on here.

* M = ex-partner of 7 years

Subscribe now

If this writing resonates and you’re in a position to support it, a paid subscription goes towards helping me build and share my creative and healing practice and vision, Myth Making Studio (website to be published very soon!).

Most of my content is free but there are some bits, more vulnerable and intimate than others, that can only be accessed through a paid subscription.

Paid subscribers will first and foremost receive the knowing that I am forever grateful and humbled by your support.

You will also receive full access to every section, as well as full archive access.

For Founding members, everything in the paid subscription, and occasional small group online video conversations to reflect on themes explored in the writing.