The more I’ve been travelling, the more I’ve been thinking about the type of life I want, and it feels really strange…I am gaining more clarity yet the opposite is also happening at the same time; and I wonder: can clarity and uncertainty sit side by side?
What is clear is that I cannot see myself living in one place for the rest of my life; being tied down to one location, one job, one way of living, one house, one language spoken, one culture, one landscape…what else. I like variety, it feeds my soul, gives me creative inspiration, renews my ambitions and energy, stimulates me intellectually.
At the same time, I am tired of living out of a backpack, not having access to my things - my art supplies - my clothes - my large collection of shoes (even though I don’t wear most of them), I miss my cat and spending quiet evenings with him, I miss my Bodypump classes and seeing the progress of my efforts, I miss playing my Shamanic drum and singing under mood lighting in the silence of the countryside knowing that my family are fast asleep nearby…what else. I like the structure, the feeling of family, the routine (until I can’t stand it anymore!), the comfort of my own bed and space that I’ve decorated that I can return to.
The solution seems so easy; to stay in one place until I feel the need to explore again. Splitting my time at home with my family, and the other half travelling / exploring. Yet, right now, the idea of moving around doesn’t seem very appealing. But the idea of going home and staying there also doesn’t appeal. So I feel a little stuck; in limbo. I thought about maybe just getting an Airbnb for a longer stint, say a month (or two) somewhere as a way of satisfying both sides of me and my desires, but somehow that doesn’t feel appealing either! And also, how does my need for both freedom and stability work with settling down with a long term partner - and the potential of starting a family? Ffs.
My sales manager’s voice from all those years ago appears: “Park it. Revisit it later”. Of course she was referring to opportunities and conversations with clients but I am applying this to my own life, in general. For some reason her telling me this would always pop into my head whenever I found myself struggling to make decisions. For years (probably all my life, up until a couple of years ago!) I was never really able to ‘park it’ fully. When I thought I had, brain would be working away subtly in the background going over the same problems over and over, trying to find a solution, find an answer to stop the ‘discomfort’ of uncertainty; of the unknown, of not being in control. Before I knew it, a dark cloud would form and invade my entire being; I had spiralled so far down the rabbit hole by overthinking and putting pressure on myself to take action that it would send me into freeze mode, and needless to say, stop me from making any moves at all. I basically spent my entire adult working life unconsciously managing my nervous system. Pretty sad when you think about it, but I’ve come to terms with this, and I have nothing left to grieve on that front.
I know that I have changed and ‘evolved’ over the last few years but I hadn’t noticed to what extent. For example, I write ‘discomfort’ in brackets because the word is losing its meaning (or power over me). I no longer feel the need to push it away, soothe it, or solve it which is a very interesting place to be in, and surprising to say the least! I no longer NEED to know how the future will unfold even though the questions are still there. I now trust that the answers will come when the time is right. They will come in the form of a sudden feeling of certainty in my body; a ‘knowing’; a sudden need to take some sort of action because I am no longer at war with my nervous system - we are best friends now. I am no longer living and making decisions out of lack, out of fear. My nervous system no longer dominates me on the grand scheme of things. Life is now lived with intention that is aligned to my true desires.
I trust me, my soul, my heart, my body. I trust the timing of it all - the universe (or God’s plan for me if you will). I trust that my person is out there; the one who gets it; who gets me and doesn’t seek to change or control me - the one with whom life amplifies rather than shrinks.
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